Courtroom Gaffes

Who’d be a lawyer? Not me, if this is what you have to put up with! Here are some classic (supposedly genuine!) courtroom exchanges which really make you want to give up and get another job...

LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: A SuperDry tracksuit and Nike trainers.

LAWYER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I tend to just lie there really...

LAWYER: Can you tell me your date of birth please? 
WITNESS:  18^th of July.
LAWYER: What year is that? 
WITNESS: Every year?..

LAWYER: How old is your son, the one who’s living with you? 
WITNESS: He’s 35 or 36 - I can never remember which. 
LAWYER: OK - and how long has he lived with you? 
WITNESS: 46 years. 

LAWYER: So your baby was conceived on the 15^th of May?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Er, getting laid?...

LAWYER: Is your appearance here this afternoon pursuant to the deposition notice, which was sent to your lawyer?
WITNESS: No, this is how I always dress when I’m going to work.

LAWYER: ALL the responses you give me, MUST be oral. Is that OK? Now, what school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral?...

All those silly exchanges must rub off on the lawyers themselves though, if the following courtroom gaffes are to be believed...

LAWYER: Tell me the first thing your husband said to you that day.

WITNESS: He said: 'Susan, where am I?'
LAWYER: And why did that annoy you?
WITNESS: Because my name is Kate!

LAWYER: Doctor – is it true that if someone dies in their sleep, he doesn't realise it until next morning?
WITNESS: Are you actually qualified?

LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20 year old - how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 – probably about the same as your IQ.

LAWYER: Were you actually present when your photo was taken?
WITNESS: Are you having a laugh?

LAWYER: So she had three children? Is that correct?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many of them were girls?
WITNESS: None of them.
LAWYER: Were there any boys?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need to get a new lawyer!

LAWYER: How did your first marriage end?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: Whose death?
WITNESS: Take a wild guess?...

LAWYER: Pleased can you describe the person you saw?
WITNESS: Yes - he was around 6 feet tall, and he had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this person a male or a female?
WITNESS: Well, the circus wasn’t in town, so I'm guessing he was a male.

LAWYER: Does this illness affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?

LAWYER: So, Doctor - how many of your autopsies have been performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones tend to put up too much of a fight?...

LAWYER: Can you remember at what time you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy began at about 10.30am.
LAWYER: And was Mr. Denton dead at that time?
WITNESS: If not, he would have been by the time I finished.

LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a sample of urine?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And lastly:

LAWYER: Doctor, before you began the post mortem, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check the blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for any breathing?
WITNESS: No..
LAWYER: So, then it is conceivable that the patient was actually alive when you started the post mortem?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure?
WITNESS: Because his brain was on a shelf, in a jar.
LAWYER: Oh right. But could the patient have still been alive anyway?
WITNESS: Yes, I suppose it is possible that he could have been alive and well and practising law.