Wednesday 21 December 2011

Getting festive, even with a very low IQ - with thanks to B&Q...

For some weird reason, I was feeling a bit festive this week, so I decided to invest in a Christmas tree from my local DIY store. Those helpful chaps at B&Q sold me a cute little 2ft high tree and I rushed home to get busy with the tinsel and baubles...

Imagine my surprise when I opened the instruction leaflet! After all, this mini fir was ready assembled, standing in its own base, and didn't even come in a box, so it was pretty obvious what I needed to do with it... and I think I would have noticed if I'd left the store without the single part (Ref. A on the below)?!

The decorating tips were a godsend though!

Thanks B&Q for giving me a festive chuckle while I was decking the halls of the Davison household this year!

Wednesday 7 December 2011

From my very own 'Mr' Malaprop...

A little blast from the past for this post...
20 years ago, I worked with a colleague at Thomas Cook who was constantly tripping over his words, providing much hilarity for everyone within earshot. He knew what he meant – and I guess we did too really – but it didn’t stop us from splitting our sides!
I hope you all enjoy these historical gems 20 years on as much as we did at the time...
“Yes it’s really great isn’t it? It always ceases to amaze me!”
“Sorry, I can’t make that meeting because we’re moving our whole office building that day.”
“That new low-cost airline is a no thrills operation...”
“Did you know that Eurostar have taken on an ex-Virgin as their Sales Director?”
“Those partner contracts aren’t worth the penny they’re written on!”
 “It just feels like we’re robbing Paul to pay Peter...”
“That would be like taking your finger out of the dike and opening the flood gates!”
“What a wasted day! I feel like I’ve achieved squat-diddly...”
“Let’s have a look at the footfall data from those Geiger counters in the stores”
 “Are you going to jiggery poker those sales figures for me?”
“How was the meeting with British Airways? Did they give you the 3 Degrees?”
Yes, that final one gave me visions of an impromptu rendition of “When will I see you.. again?” in the Board Room at BA’s Heathrow HQ too!
With my humble thanks to a dear ex-colleague - enjoy!

Friday 2 December 2011

Why men shouldn't be agony aunts...

Short and sweet this one, but it made me chuckle all this week!

Even before this week's debacle, it's probably best for Jeremy Clarkson to stick to what he's best at - reviewing new motors...



Have a good weekend!

Sunday 27 November 2011

More hilarious faux pas, but perhaps slightly more worrying...?

Following on from the theme of my previous post, here’s another selection of funny faux-pas. But this time there's a slightly more worrying side to them – because they were all apparently written in genuine medical notes! So, yes they’re funny – unless it’s your own doctor writing them of course...
"Mr Smith has no previous history of suicide"
"Mrs Brown has left her white blood cells at another hospital"
"Mrs White has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night"
"Miss Green has chest pains when she lies on her left side for over a year"
"Mrs Violet has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993"
"Discharge status for Mr Orange: Alive, but without my permission"
"Miss Scarlett had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch"
"While in ER, Miss Magnolia was examined, x-rated and sent home"
"Mrs Mustard stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce"
"Examination of genitalia reveals that Mr Lime is circus-sized"
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function"
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room"
"Between you and me, we ought to be able to get Mrs Vermillion pregnant"
"The patient was due to have a bowel resection, but he took a job as a stock broker instead"
"By the time Mr Plum was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better"
Now, when's my next check-up booked for?! Have a good week!

Tuesday 15 November 2011

It's not just adults that get their words wrong sometimes...

On a much lighter note than my previous post, here are some real 'faux pas' howlers allegedly written by kids in school... and if you can't spot immediately what's wrong with each of these, maybe you need to increase your word power too?! Here goes...

"In Scandinavia, the Danish come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway, and the Lapdancers come from Lapland."

"Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper!"

"If you marry two people, you are a pigamist. But morons are allowed to do this..."

"Crabs (and creatures like them) all belong to a family of crushed asians."

"Helicopters are cleverer than planes - not only can they fly, they can also hoover."

"In last year's Christmas concert, Linzi played the main prat. I only played one of the smaller prats..."

"At the end of the show, we all sang 'Away In A Manager.'

"The closet town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train, or you can go on a fairy..."

"On our activity holiday, Dad wanted to ride the hores but Mum said they were too ekspensiv."

"Why do we say 'Old Men' at the end of our prayers? I don't know any old men, apart from Grandad!"

"A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that the roof is doomed..."

"In wartime, children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated, because it was safer in the country."

"Sometimes in the war they take prisoners and keep them as ostriches until the war is over. And some prisoners end up in constipation camps!"

Thanks Kids!

Saturday 12 November 2011

Lest we forget... 11/11/11


Most writers have their dream piece of copy that they wish they'd written, but someone else beat them to it. And I'm no exception!

I could give you loads of examples of things I'd love to be able to put my name at the bottom of - from clever ad straplines to some altogether more profound stuff.

But, as it's Remembrance Sunday tomorrow, here's one of my absolute favourites...

'They shall grow not old,
as we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them,
nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun,
and in the morning,
we will remember them.'
(From Laurence Binyon's poem "For the Fallen"
- first published in The Times, September 1914)
Lest we forget... 11/11/11

Thursday 10 November 2011

Weird and wonderful URLs...

I always recommend to my clients - especially those with longish URLs - that whenever they are showing their URL off in printed material, it's crucial to split the individual words up into different colours, for ease of understanding and recognition.

Here's what I mean... which is easier to read?

THIS ONE? www.hereismyverylongandcomplicatedurl.co.uk

OR THIS ONE? www.hereismyverylongandcomplicatedurl.co.uk

At least with the second one, it's easier to see what the web address means!

Oh, and while you're at it, beware of inadvertently becoming a laughing stock by choosing a URL that could cause hilarious confusion for the smuttier-minded (me included!), like the below examples, some of which are allegedly 100% genuine...

Who Represents? - a website where you can find out which agents represent which celebrities, of course! www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange - a knowledge base where computer programmers can exchange advice and views, but nothing else... www.expertsexchange.com

Pen Island - what else, but a specialist online pen retailer? www.penisland.net

Therapist Finder - you may need therapy after reading this? www.therapistfinder.com

Powergen - well, the Italian offshoot anyway... www.powergenitalia.com

IP Computers - they can service your PC anywhere! www.ip-anywhere.com

Speed of Art - they're very quick at painting! www.speedofart.com

I don't even think my simple tip at the top of this post would help all these poor chaps?!

Happy URL hunting!

Friday 4 November 2011

Famous put-downs...

They do say the pen is mightier than the sword, don't they? How often do you wish you could come up with a really great put-down to stun your opponent with your wit, rather than punch them where it hurts? Well, here are a few famous ones to get your creative juices flowing...
  • "The next time you wash your neck, wring it out!" anon
  • "Don't go away - I want to forget you exactly as you are!" anon
  • You've got the brain of a 4-year-old, and I bet they were glad to get rid of it! Groucho Marx
  • "I wish I had known you when you were alive." Leonard Lewis Levison
  • "If you're going be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty." Kayla Morris
  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
  • "Is that a new hairdo, or did you just walk through a wind tunnel?" anon
  • "He uses statistics like a drunken man uses a lamp-post - for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang
  • "You're the type of person who lights up the room by leaving it." anon
  • "He can’t see a belt without hitting below it." Margot Asquith
  • "Please turn off your mouth; it's still running." anon
  • "He has one of those characteristic British faces - once seen, never remembered." Oscar Wilde
And here's my personal favourite - an exchange between Winston Churchill and Bessie Braddock MP:

Bessie: Winston, you are drunk!
Winston: Indeed madam. And you are ugly. But tomorrow, I will be sober.

Know any others? Feel free to share them below! Have a great weekend all...

Friday 28 October 2011

Here's a great new tool for artists!

Have you ever been to an art exhibition and wondered how the artists come up with their 'artist's statement' (ie. the explanation of where their artistic influences come from)? Maybe like me you've wondered what on earth they mean? Here's the sort of thing I'm talking about...


"Ever since I was a child I have been fascinated by the essential unreality of the universe. What starts out as yearning soon becomes corrupted into a manifesto of defeat, leaving only a sense of failing and the chance of a new synthesis."


And then you look at their actual artwork and think - oh yes, I see exactly where they're coming from? Or maybe not...


Well, apparently these artists actually spend hours and days trying to verbalise their art - hardly surprising as they are creative arty types, not wordsmiths. Well now some clever chaps have come up with a website to help these struggling artists, by doing it all for them! Have a look here to see what I mean...


But if you'd rather have a real life human being put your complicated ideas and concepts into simple words that everyone will understand, you know where I am!

Friday 7 October 2011

Dangers of acupuncture and flying...

Have a read of this (spoof!) email I wrote last year for a colleague who was trying desperately to give up smoking before her hols..
__________________
From: DAVISON-NIALL <<niall@iwritecopy4u.co.uk >>
To: LHR Enquiries
Date/Time: Friday 19 November 2010 - 10:01am
 
Dear Sirs,
 
I have a rather strange enquiry which I hope you can help with. A colleague of mine is flying out of Heathrow tomorrow, and she has recently had a problem during acupuncture - a small "bead" became lodged in her ear, and could not be removed by casualty or a specialist. I was wondering if this might set off the security alarm during screening at the airport? Is there anything my colleague can do to minimise delays and embarrassment on arrival at the airport?
 
Thanks, NIALL DAVISON
______________
<<<From: LHR Enquiries
<<<To: DAVISON-NIALL <<niall@iwritecopy4u.co.uk>>
<<<Date/Time: 19 NOV 2010: 11:46
<<<Subject: X-Ray Enquiry
 
Dear Mr Davison,
 
Thank you for your enquiry re: security measures at London Heathrow.
Foreign objects implanted within the body can cause serious problems at the security checkpoints on entry to the airside areas at our airport. You are right to query this with us in advance, as this can help avoid all sorts of embarrassment for passengers on arrival.
 
Our recommendation for your colleague's particular situation would be to report immediately on arrival at the airport to Ivana Avalucca-Tschorbitz (Head of Strip Search - Female Division) in Room T101. She will be able to conduct a full search of your colleague (this only lasts about 1 hour, depending on the size of your colleague and what clothes she is wearing on the day), and Ivana will then issue your colleague with a special pass card which will allow her to pass through the security checkpoint without any further delay or embarrassment. In fact, she will almost feel like a VIP as she is ushered through the barrier, sporting her large fluorescent badge with the words "Be nice to me - I’ve been strip-searched today!" in large neon letters on it.
 
Due to the above necessary procedures, I would urge your colleague to arrive as early as possible at the airport, so as not to miss her flight. We usually recommend that passengers allow at least 5 hours before their allocated check-in time, in case a full internal examination is required to ascertain the nature of the foreign object.
 
If your colleague suffers any unforeseen delays in getting to the airport, there will obviously not be time for the search process described above to be carried out. In this case, please advise staff at the security checkpoint of your special status. You may be aware that our conveyor belt scanners for luggage are much more sensitive than the walk-through variety, and this is why they will insist that you pass through the luggage scanner for a full X-Ray examination on the spot. Do not be afraid of this process - it may seem daunting, but I attach a few simple instructions to help you to approach the whole thing with dignity.........
 
1. You can lay either way round on the belt - for passengers with long hair, we recommend feet first to avoid the hair getting caught in the rollers at the other end.
2. Try not to breathe as you pass through the machine - this distorts the X-Ray picture and may mean you have to pass through again for a second look.
3. Don't sit up until you are told to by an official.
4. Don't wear white or light colours, unless you want to spend the rest of the journey with rubber marks up your back, making you look like you have been run over by a very large juggernaut on the way to the airport
5. Be prepared for a slightly uncomfortable sensation at the beginning and end of the process, as you are lightly brushed over by some thin strips of rubber, which hang down to protect the machinery
6. Keep your mouth closed and remember that the rubber strips have been brushing over dirty luggage for many years and could be a source of any number of as yet unidentified diseases. But you may be lucky - the strips are liberally brushed twice a day with neat Domestos to sterilise them - but I would keep your mouth closed anyway!
7. Don't panic - try to imagine yourself at Disneyland entering the Tunnel of Love, and the whole experience will be much more bearable. In fact, some previous passengers have described emerging at the end of the process to be like a complete re-birthing experience, and return regularly to re-live the whole thing, whether they are flying or not!
 
I trust that the above information will be of use to your colleague, and I thank you again for your interesting enquiry - incidentally, I think I will try Nicotinel instead of acupuncture next time I decide to give up smoking!
 
Ivor "Big" Bunchakis
Head of Security (Heathrow)
 
Have a nice flight?!

TV Ads to make you smile...

Here are a few funny TV ads to watch out for - well they make me laugh anyway...

- First up is the latest offering from Aleksandr the Meerkat, with the school choir in full swing! Watch out for the little choirboy bottom right who overdoes it on the last note, and Aleksandr taking out his ear plugs when they stop singing! Watch it here

- Next, a real gem from Stella Artois which always makes me chuckle - maybe only because i've recently written a website for a home automation company... Watch it here

- And for feline friends everywhere, Cravendale are pondering what it would be like if cats had thumbs..? Watch it here

- If dogs are more your thing, there's little Harvey's video sales pitch to find a new home.. Watch it here

- And finally, a brand new one from those TV ad novices Aldi, which always makes me laugh out loud at the end.. maybe just because I prefer something stronger than tea too..?! Watch it here

Who knows if any of these latest offerings will join the annals of TV ad history like the potato-bashing 'Smash' aliens and BT's fridge-filling granny 'Beattie', but for now, they're certainly floating my boat!
 

Spelling mistakes 'cost millions' in lost online sales

I'm glad it's not just me who gets annoyed by spelling mistakes on websites - take a look at this BBC News feature and find out how a single spelling mistake on a website can cut your online sales in half!
 
If you need a fresh pair of eyes to check your website for correct spelling (and grammar/punctuation too of course!), you know where we are!

Something for the weekend, Sir?

OK, just for a laugh, imagine lots of household name companies decided to launch an own label condom range. How well would their existing strapline work on the packet? After all, they've spent millions developing and promoting their current strapline - they wouldn't need to go to the trouble of coming up with a brand new one... or would they?! Enjoy these gems...
 
Sainsburys Condoms - 'Making life taste better'
Tesco Condoms - 'Every little helps..'
Nike Condoms - 'Just do it!'
Peugeot Condoms - 'For the ride of your life'
Galaxy Condoms - 'Why have rubber when you can have silk?'
KFC Condoms - 'Finger licking good!'
M&M's Condoms - 'Melt in your mouth, not in your hands'
Safeway Condoms - 'Lightening the load'
Abbey National Condoms - 'Because life is complicated enough'
Coca Cola Condoms - 'The real thing'
Duracell Condoms - 'Keep going and going'
Pringles Condoms - 'Once you pop, you cant stop!'
Burger King Condoms - 'Home of the whopper!'
Goodyear Condoms - 'For a longer ride, go wide'
FCUK Condoms - (i'm not even sure what their strapline is, but does it really matter?!)
Halfords Condoms - 'We go the extra mile'
Royal Mail Condoms - 'I saw this and thought of you'
Andrex Condoms - 'Soft, strong and very very long'
Renault Condoms - 'Size really does matter!'
Ronseal Condoms - 'Does exactly what it says on the tin'
Ronseal Quick-Drying Condoms - 'Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes'
Domestos Condoms - 'Gets right under the rim!!!' (Eeeek!!.....)
Heineken Condoms - 'Reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach'
Carlsberg Condoms - 'Probably the best condom in the world'
AA Condoms - 'We're the 4th emergency service'
Pepperami Condoms - 'It's a bit of an animal'
Polo Condoms - 'The one with the hole'
The Manchester United Condom - 'One Yank and your whole world falls apart!'

So, can you spell your address?

It may seem like an odd question, but it might be worth testing yourself now, just in case you ever have to report a warthog attack on your nearest and dearest (or any other sort of emergency for that matter!) Don't get caught out like the poor chap in this clip!

Oops! Who said punctuation isn't important!?

What were they thinking when they wrote this caption about Rachael's inspiration?!
 
It's either a real howler, or (more worryingly) completely illegal... you decide!
 
Who edited out those commas?
 
Thanks to Drayton Bird's blog for this gem (http://drayton-bird-droppings.blogspot.com/)

Guess who needs a proofreader?

Just before the weekend, here are a few funny (but probably not for the people responsible!) examples of the importance of hiring a proofreader - especially when you're working on something really BIG!
This first one's an American sign, so 'center' is actually spelt correctly, but whatever the teachers at Portage do, it probably doesn't involve spelling tests...?!
I really do wonder what the 15 best things about these schools are...?
Given they have a holiday named after this word, how did the Americans slip up on this particular one...?
Maybe the arrow's just pointing the wrong way? Or should it say 'left', not 'right'? Confused...?
Oh dear! Too cool for school? By the way, anyone got any paint stripper handy?
Poor guy! At least given the positioning, I suppose he won't see it too often...
OK, listen up because this last one needs a bit of explaining - unless you're fluent in Welsh of course? Apparently the signwriters emailed the official council translator asking for a Welsh translation of their 'No entry for heavy goods vehicles...' message. The official translator was away on holiday, but had kindly put an out-of-office message on their email system... Yes, you've guessed it, the Welsh means something like: "Sorry, I'm out of the office at the moment - if you need me urgently, please give me a call"!
Happy proofreading and have a great weekend!