Sunday 27 November 2011

More hilarious faux pas, but perhaps slightly more worrying...?

Following on from the theme of my previous post, here’s another selection of funny faux-pas. But this time there's a slightly more worrying side to them – because they were all apparently written in genuine medical notes! So, yes they’re funny – unless it’s your own doctor writing them of course...
"Mr Smith has no previous history of suicide"
"Mrs Brown has left her white blood cells at another hospital"
"Mrs White has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night"
"Miss Green has chest pains when she lies on her left side for over a year"
"Mrs Violet has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993"
"Discharge status for Mr Orange: Alive, but without my permission"
"Miss Scarlett had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch"
"While in ER, Miss Magnolia was examined, x-rated and sent home"
"Mrs Mustard stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce"
"Examination of genitalia reveals that Mr Lime is circus-sized"
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function"
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room"
"Between you and me, we ought to be able to get Mrs Vermillion pregnant"
"The patient was due to have a bowel resection, but he took a job as a stock broker instead"
"By the time Mr Plum was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better"
Now, when's my next check-up booked for?! Have a good week!

Tuesday 15 November 2011

It's not just adults that get their words wrong sometimes...

On a much lighter note than my previous post, here are some real 'faux pas' howlers allegedly written by kids in school... and if you can't spot immediately what's wrong with each of these, maybe you need to increase your word power too?! Here goes...

"In Scandinavia, the Danish come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway, and the Lapdancers come from Lapland."

"Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper!"

"If you marry two people, you are a pigamist. But morons are allowed to do this..."

"Crabs (and creatures like them) all belong to a family of crushed asians."

"Helicopters are cleverer than planes - not only can they fly, they can also hoover."

"In last year's Christmas concert, Linzi played the main prat. I only played one of the smaller prats..."

"At the end of the show, we all sang 'Away In A Manager.'

"The closet town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train, or you can go on a fairy..."

"On our activity holiday, Dad wanted to ride the hores but Mum said they were too ekspensiv."

"Why do we say 'Old Men' at the end of our prayers? I don't know any old men, apart from Grandad!"

"A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that the roof is doomed..."

"In wartime, children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated, because it was safer in the country."

"Sometimes in the war they take prisoners and keep them as ostriches until the war is over. And some prisoners end up in constipation camps!"

Thanks Kids!

Saturday 12 November 2011

Lest we forget... 11/11/11


Most writers have their dream piece of copy that they wish they'd written, but someone else beat them to it. And I'm no exception!

I could give you loads of examples of things I'd love to be able to put my name at the bottom of - from clever ad straplines to some altogether more profound stuff.

But, as it's Remembrance Sunday tomorrow, here's one of my absolute favourites...

'They shall grow not old,
as we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them,
nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun,
and in the morning,
we will remember them.'
(From Laurence Binyon's poem "For the Fallen"
- first published in The Times, September 1914)
Lest we forget... 11/11/11

Thursday 10 November 2011

Weird and wonderful URLs...

I always recommend to my clients - especially those with longish URLs - that whenever they are showing their URL off in printed material, it's crucial to split the individual words up into different colours, for ease of understanding and recognition.

Here's what I mean... which is easier to read?

THIS ONE? www.hereismyverylongandcomplicatedurl.co.uk

OR THIS ONE? www.hereismyverylongandcomplicatedurl.co.uk

At least with the second one, it's easier to see what the web address means!

Oh, and while you're at it, beware of inadvertently becoming a laughing stock by choosing a URL that could cause hilarious confusion for the smuttier-minded (me included!), like the below examples, some of which are allegedly 100% genuine...

Who Represents? - a website where you can find out which agents represent which celebrities, of course! www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange - a knowledge base where computer programmers can exchange advice and views, but nothing else... www.expertsexchange.com

Pen Island - what else, but a specialist online pen retailer? www.penisland.net

Therapist Finder - you may need therapy after reading this? www.therapistfinder.com

Powergen - well, the Italian offshoot anyway... www.powergenitalia.com

IP Computers - they can service your PC anywhere! www.ip-anywhere.com

Speed of Art - they're very quick at painting! www.speedofart.com

I don't even think my simple tip at the top of this post would help all these poor chaps?!

Happy URL hunting!

Friday 4 November 2011

Famous put-downs...

They do say the pen is mightier than the sword, don't they? How often do you wish you could come up with a really great put-down to stun your opponent with your wit, rather than punch them where it hurts? Well, here are a few famous ones to get your creative juices flowing...
  • "The next time you wash your neck, wring it out!" anon
  • "Don't go away - I want to forget you exactly as you are!" anon
  • You've got the brain of a 4-year-old, and I bet they were glad to get rid of it! Groucho Marx
  • "I wish I had known you when you were alive." Leonard Lewis Levison
  • "If you're going be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty." Kayla Morris
  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
  • "Is that a new hairdo, or did you just walk through a wind tunnel?" anon
  • "He uses statistics like a drunken man uses a lamp-post - for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang
  • "You're the type of person who lights up the room by leaving it." anon
  • "He can’t see a belt without hitting below it." Margot Asquith
  • "Please turn off your mouth; it's still running." anon
  • "He has one of those characteristic British faces - once seen, never remembered." Oscar Wilde
And here's my personal favourite - an exchange between Winston Churchill and Bessie Braddock MP:

Bessie: Winston, you are drunk!
Winston: Indeed madam. And you are ugly. But tomorrow, I will be sober.

Know any others? Feel free to share them below! Have a great weekend all...