Have a read of this (spoof!) email I wrote last year for a colleague who was trying desperately to give up smoking before her hols..
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From: DAVISON-NIALL <<niall@iwritecopy4u.co.uk >>
To: LHR Enquiries
Date/Time: Friday 19 November 2010 - 10:01am
Dear Sirs,
I have a rather strange enquiry which I hope you can help with. A colleague of mine is flying out of Heathrow tomorrow, and she has recently had a problem during acupuncture - a small "bead" became lodged in her ear, and could not be removed by casualty or a specialist. I was wondering if this might set off the security alarm during screening at the airport? Is there anything my colleague can do to minimise delays and embarrassment on arrival at the airport?
Thanks, NIALL DAVISON
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<<<From: LHR Enquiries
<<<To: DAVISON-NIALL <<niall@iwritecopy4u.co.uk>>
<<<Date/Time: 19 NOV 2010: 11:46
<<<Subject: X-Ray Enquiry
Dear Mr Davison,
Thank you for your enquiry re: security measures at London Heathrow.
Foreign objects implanted within the body can cause serious problems at the security checkpoints on entry to the airside areas at our airport. You are right to query this with us in advance, as this can help avoid all sorts of embarrassment for passengers on arrival.
Our recommendation for your colleague's particular situation would be to report immediately on arrival at the airport to Ivana Avalucca-Tschorbitz (Head of Strip Search - Female Division) in Room T101. She will be able to conduct a full search of your colleague (this only lasts about 1 hour, depending on the size of your colleague and what clothes she is wearing on the day), and Ivana will then issue your colleague with a special pass card which will allow her to pass through the security checkpoint without any further delay or embarrassment. In fact, she will almost feel like a VIP as she is ushered through the barrier, sporting her large fluorescent badge with the words "Be nice to me - I’ve been strip-searched today!" in large neon letters on it.
Due to the above necessary procedures, I would urge your colleague to arrive as early as possible at the airport, so as not to miss her flight. We usually recommend that passengers allow at least 5 hours before their allocated check-in time, in case a full internal examination is required to ascertain the nature of the foreign object.
If your colleague suffers any unforeseen delays in getting to the airport, there will obviously not be time for the search process described above to be carried out. In this case, please advise staff at the security checkpoint of your special status. You may be aware that our conveyor belt scanners for luggage are much more sensitive than the walk-through variety, and this is why they will insist that you pass through the luggage scanner for a full X-Ray examination on the spot. Do not be afraid of this process - it may seem daunting, but I attach a few simple instructions to help you to approach the whole thing with dignity.........
1. You can lay either way round on the belt - for passengers with long hair, we recommend feet first to avoid the hair getting caught in the rollers at the other end.
2. Try not to breathe as you pass through the machine - this distorts the X-Ray picture and may mean you have to pass through again for a second look.
3. Don't sit up until you are told to by an official.
4. Don't wear white or light colours, unless you want to spend the rest of the journey with rubber marks up your back, making you look like you have been run over by a very large juggernaut on the way to the airport
5. Be prepared for a slightly uncomfortable sensation at the beginning and end of the process, as you are lightly brushed over by some thin strips of rubber, which hang down to protect the machinery
6. Keep your mouth closed and remember that the rubber strips have been brushing over dirty luggage for many years and could be a source of any number of as yet unidentified diseases. But you may be lucky - the strips are liberally brushed twice a day with neat Domestos to sterilise them - but I would keep your mouth closed anyway!
7. Don't panic - try to imagine yourself at Disneyland entering the Tunnel of Love, and the whole experience will be much more bearable. In fact, some previous passengers have described emerging at the end of the process to be like a complete re-birthing experience, and return regularly to re-live the whole thing, whether they are flying or not!
I trust that the above information will be of use to your colleague, and I thank you again for your interesting enquiry - incidentally, I think I will try Nicotinel instead of acupuncture next time I decide to give up smoking!
Ivor "Big" Bunchakis
Head of Security (Heathrow)
Have a nice flight?!
