Thursday 31 August 2017

Small classified ads…

© Lars Christnsen | dreamstime.com
The 'small ads' are a disappearing feature in many of our local papers, which is a real shame - especially as they often include hilarious howlers like the ones shown below...

Pets for Sale
  • Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children
  • 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings, call 555-1234. Leave mess
  • Three canaries of undermined sex
  • Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy
  • Great Dames for sale
Situations Vacant
  • Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
  • Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night
  • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel
  • Housekeeper required for rectory. Love in, £500 a month. References required
  • Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential
  • Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
  • 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred
Items for Sale
  • Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
  • Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers
  • Four-poster bed, 100 years old. Perfect for antique lover
  • Several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition
Situations Wanted
  • Man, honest. Will take anything
  • Experienced Mum will take care of your child. Meals and smacks included
Lost & Found
  • Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family
Have you seen any small ads that have made you smile - or even laugh out loud? Please feel free to share them in the comments section below...


Tuesday 29 August 2017

Harsh message from The Telegraph!

Lots of talk in the media last week about GCSE results and the changes to grading... did anyone else see this in The Telegraph?

Sounds a bit harsh to me...?! Shouldn't they be rewarded for getting top grades, not chopped in half?...


Friday 25 August 2017

On your travels?...

© Antonio Oquias | dreamstime.com
If you’re off to foreign climes this Bank Holiday, keep your eyes peeled for some of these hilarious foreign attempts to translate the local lingo into English… all for our benefit of course!

Hong Kong tailor’s shop
  • ·      Ladies may have a fit upstairs

Paris fashion shop
  • ·      We sell dresses for street walking

Swedish fur shop
  • Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin


Swiss mountain inn
  • Special today – no ice cream

Rhodes tailor’s shop
  • ·         Order your summer suit. Because of big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation

Polish hotel menu


  • Salad a firm's own make
  • Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger
  • Roasted duck let loose
  • Beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Budapest zoo
  • ·         Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty

Tokyo car rental brochure
  • ·         When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour

Majorcan shop
  • ·         English well talking
  • ·         Here speeching American

East African newspaper
  • A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers

Soviet newspaper
  • A Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic Painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years

Hong Kong toy packaging
  • ·         Guaranteed to work throughout it's useful life

Donkey rides in Thailand
  • ·        Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Czech tourist agency
  • ·         Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages

Hong Kong dentist

  • ·         Teeth extracted by the latest methodists
     Don't forget to share in the comments below any others you spot on holiday this summer!

Thursday 17 August 2017

Health & Safety gone mad?

© Njnightsky | dreamstime.com


I’m not saying that these ridiculous warnings have appeared on products – but wouldn’t it be funny (and slightly worrying) if any of these are actually genuine..?!


On a cardboard windscreen sun shade:
WARNING – DO NOT DRIVE WITH SUN SHADE IN PLACE

On a baby bath tub:
TAKE CARE – DO NOT THROW OUT THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER

On a packet of Fisherman’s Friend:
NOT INTENDED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL HUMAN COMPANIONSHIP

On a takeaway cup of coffee:
ALLOW TO COOL BEFORE APPLYING TO GROIN AREA

On a disposable razor:
DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT DURING AN EARTHQUAKE

On a handgun:
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR USE AS A NUTCRACKER

On a pair of tights:
DO NOT USE TO COMMIT CRIME

On a piano
WARNING – HARMFUL OR FATAL IF SWALLOWED

On a can of puncture repair spray:
NOT TO BE USED FOR BREAST AUGMENTATION

On rubber gloves:
FOR BEST RESULTS, DO NOT LEAVE AT CRIME SCENE

On Odor Eaters:
DO NOT EAT

On a blender:
NOT FOR USE AS AN AQUARIUM

On a fax machine:
WARNING – NEVER ATTEMPT TO DIRECTLY FAX ANYONE AN IMAGE OF YOUR NAKED BOTTOM. ALWAYS PHOTOCOPY YOUR BOTTOM FIRST AND FAX THE PHOTOCOPY

On a tube of haemorrhoid cream:
NOT TO BE TAKEN ORALLY

On a revolving door:
PASSENGER COMPARTMENTS FOR INDIVIDUAL USE ONLY

On a microscope:
OBJECTS ARE SMALLER AND LESS ALARMING THAN THEY APPEAR

On a child’s alphabet blocks:
WARNING – LETTERS MAY BE USED TO CONSTRUCT OFFENSIVE WORDS AND PHRASES

On a wetsuit:
MAXIMUM CAPACITY – 1 PERSON

On a newspaper:
DO NOT CUT UP TO USE FOR BLACKMAIL NOTES

If you've got any more like these, please do share them in the comments area below!

Thursday 10 August 2017

Hotels around the world

© Catherine Jones | dreamstime.com
At holiday time, isn’t it helpful that hotels all around the world translate their signs into English for us?

And isn’t it hilarious when the translation goes a bit wrong?

See if you can read these without laughing out loud…

JAPAN
Air Conditioning: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing, please not to read notice.

Please to bathe inside the tub.

SWITZERLAND
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. 

AUSTRIA
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

ROMANIA
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

SERBIA
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

GERMANY
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

FRANCE
Please leave your values at the front desk.

GREECE
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9am and 11am daily.

MEXICO
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

RUSSIA
If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it.

If you like these, take a look at our Wonderful Worldwide English post for more of the same sort of hilarity.


Thursday 3 August 2017

From the church newsletter


From the church newsletter
© Biertiem | dreamstime.com
These ecclesiastical gems are a classic case of 'we know what you mean, but maybe you shouldn't have phrased it quite like that?!'


Enjoy having a little giggle at these... and if you know any others - please do share them by posting a comment at the bottom of the page.


  • Don't let depression kill you – the church can help!
  • Please remember in your prayers those who are sick of our church and our community.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery in the Church Hall.
  • The flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David, the sin of Rev and Mrs Smith.
  • This afternoon there will be services in both the south and north aisles of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
  • On Friday at 3pm there will be an ice cream social. Any ladies donating milk are asked to come early.
  • On Monday the Ladies’ Guild will meet in the Church Hall. Mrs Smith will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Vicar.
  • On Friday at 4pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers’ Club. All ladies wanting to be Little Mothers should meet the Vicar in his study.
  • On Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come up and lay an egg on the altar.
  • Next Sunday, there will be a special collection towards the cost of the new carpet in the vestry. Anyone who wants to do something on the new carpet is welcome to come forward and do so.
  • The Ladies’ Guild have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the Church Hall on Friday.
  • At tonight’s evening service, the sermon topic is ‘What is Hell?’ Why not come early and listen to the choir practice?
  • The local outreach group has enlisted 25 volunteers to visit people who are not afflicted with any church.
  • The Ladies’ Bible Study Group will meet on Friday at 11am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the church hall after the B.S. is done.
  • Could any parishoners lend the vicar their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday?
  • The congregation should remain seated until the end of the recession.
  • Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals, please could everyone with relatives buried in the graveyard do their best to keep them in order.