OK – this is a bit of a personal indulgence, but I couldn’t
resist sharing these brilliantly funny one-liners from the late, great Joan
Rivers.
She clearly lived by the maxim of “Never be afraid to laugh
at yourself – you could be missing out on the joke of the century!”
ON EXERCISE
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”
“I don’t exercise – if God wanted me to bend over he'd put
diamonds on the floor.”
ON PLASTIC SURGERY AND LOOKS
“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will
donate my body to Tupperware.”
“With plastic surgery, the general anaesthetic is like a
black velvety sleep, and that's what death is like – but without waking up to
someone clapping and shouting, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking
pretty'”.
"I was so ugly they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not – and he sent
it back saying, 'I don't believe it!'"
“I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
them.”
ON CHILDHOOD
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys
were a toaster and a radio.”
ON MEN & WOMEN
“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman
makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was
'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and
I slept in bunk beds.”
ON CHILDREN
“My midwife was so dumb that when I gave birth, she forgot to
cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a
dog on a lead.”
“My daughter and I are very close. I call her every single
day, and I say the same thing – ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.’ And she says
the same thing back – ‘How did you get my new number?’”
ON OTHER CELEBRITIES
“Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone
directory.”
“Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't
dress.”
ON THE MILITARY
“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms
ugly.”
ON EDUCATION
“I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your
dress looking for a library card.”
ON COOKING
"I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it
with Pledge."
ON DEATH
“I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my
will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.”
