Marvellous Malapropisms

I absolutely love these – why use the right word, when the wrong one will do? Often with hilarious results!

Wondering where the word 'malapropism' comes from? Scroll to the bottom to find out.

But for now, let’s get on with the hilarity…

• God is everywhere – he is omnivorous (omnipresent)

• He doesn’t eat meat – he is a strict non-vegetarian (vegetarian)

• He couldn’t have children because he is important (impotent)

• Gosh, there’s a storm raging out there – it’s like Agamemnon! (Armageddon)

• She kept her secretions to herself (secrets)

• Iraq’s weapons of mass production (destruction)

• We need to nip this in the butt (bud)

• The poor kids looked like little ragged muffins (ragamuffins)

• Sorry about the smell in here – lots of our residents are intercontinental (incontinent)

• She turned 100 last week, but she’s still got all her facilities (faculties)

• You’re so thin – you look emancipated (emaciated)

• Lepers don’t change their spots (leopards)

• The security at the airport was so laxative (lax)

• He’s never late – he’s very good with punctuation (punctuality)

• Monotony is having only one wife (monogamy)

• During the fire, the hotel was evaporated (evacuated)

• I used to have one of those little transvestite radios (transistor)

• He’s a bit of a wolf in cheap clothing (sheep’s)

• Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel (Sistine)

• You keep going off on a tandem (tangent)

• For women’s problems, you should go and see a groinacologist (gynaecologist)

• The soldiers were unhappy – there was a little dysentery in the ranks (dissent)

• Nobody, however clever, is the suppository of all wisdom (repository)

• These days there’s no stigmata about going to see a psychologist (stigma)

Definition of ‘malapropism’: the mistaken use of a word instead of a similar-sounding one, often with amusing effect – for example: ‘dance the flamingo’ instead of ‘flamenco’.

The word ‘malapropism’ comes from the character Mrs Malaprop in Richard Brinsley Sheridan’s play The Rivals (1775). Sheridan presumably chose her name in reference to the word 'malapropos', meaning 'inappropriate', which comes from the French phrase 'mal à propos' (literally translated as 'poorly placed').

Here are a few of Mrs Malaprop’s own best-loved utterances:

• She's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile (alligator)

• You must illiterate him from your memory (obliterate)

• He is the very pineapple of politeness (pinnacle)

• Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter! But he can tell you all the perpendiculars. (particulars)