From the church newsletter

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These ecclesiastical gems are a classic case of 'we know what you mean, but maybe you shouldn't have phrased it quite like that?!'

Enjoy having a little giggle at these... and if you know any others - please do share them by posting a comment at the bottom of the page.

• Don't let depression kill you – the church can help!

• Please remember in your prayers those who are sick of our church and our community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery in the Church Hall.

• The flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David, the sin of Rev and Mrs Smith.

• This afternoon there will be services in both the south and north aisles of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

• On Friday at 3pm there will be an ice cream social. Any ladies donating milk are asked to come early.

• On Monday the Ladies’ Guild will meet in the Church Hall. Mrs Smith will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Vicar.

• On Friday at 4pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers’ Club. All ladies wanting to be Little Mothers should meet the Vicar in his study.

• On Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come up and lay an egg on the altar.

• Next Sunday, there will be a special collection towards the cost of the new carpet in the vestry. Anyone who wants to do something on the new carpet is welcome to come forward and do so.

• The Ladies’ Guild have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the Church Hall on Friday.

• At tonight’s evening service, the sermon topic is ‘What is Hell?’ Why not come early and listen to the choir practice?

• The local outreach group has enlisted 25 volunteers to visit people who are not afflicted with any church.

• The Ladies’ Bible Study Group will meet on Friday at 11am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the church hall after the B.S. is done.

• Could any parishoners lend the vicar their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday?

• The congregation should remain seated until the end of the recession.

• Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals, please could everyone with relatives buried in the graveyard do their best to keep them in order.