Musings by John Cooper Clarke

John Cooper Clarke is simply a genius with words.

If you haven't already discovered him, here are a few of my favourite snippets from his work.


"Poverty - it's the one thing money can't buy..."

"You can count on him - he'll always let you down."

"To convey one's mood in seventeen syllables is very diffic"

"Increasingly, I have to deal with bereavement. I could go to five funerals a week. But that many vol-au-vents isn't good for you."

"My manager says I'm far too sophisticated an artist to play in Burnley. Or anywhere else where they still point at airplanes."

"Sex? I have it once a year, whether I like it or not."

"I fell down the stairs the other night, but the wife just thought it was Eastenders finishing early."

Snippets from some of my favourite John Cooper Clarke poems...

People mention murder, the moment you arrive.

I'd consider killing you if I thought you were alive.

You've got this slippery quality,

It makes me think of phlegm.

And a dual personality

I hate both of them.

(from 'Tw*t')

Don't be gentle - it's a rental

Double park - don't lock the door

Push the pedals through the floor

Give it loads and then some more

It's a hire care baby

(from 'Hire Car')

I wanna be your electric meter

I will not run out

I wanna be the electric heater

you'll get cold without

I wanna be your setting lotion

Hold your hair in deep devotion

(from 'I Wanna Be Yours')

What kind of creature bore you?

Was it some kind of bat?

They can't find a good word for you

But I can...... TW*T!

(from 'Tw*t')

And finally - a limerick...

Two ugly sisters from Fordham

Took a walk one day out of boredom

On the way back

A sex maniac

Jumped out of a bush and ignored 'em.

About Dr John Cooper Clarke...

Born in Salford, Lancs in 1949, John Cooper Clarke became famous as the 'punk poet' in the punk rock era of the late 1970s. In 2013 he gained an honorary doctorate from Salford University, acknowledging a five decade career spent bringing poetry to non-traditional audiences. His response: "Now I'm a doctor, finally my dream of opening a cosmetic surgery business can become a reality."

Here are details of his forthcoming 2018 gigs.