Winston's Wonderful Words

image: © markwr | dreamstime.com

With all today's politicians regularly opening their mouths and putting their foot in it, here's a flashback to the past - when one particular politician seems to have had a real way with words.

Mind you, I guess in the days before 24/7 news and social media, he had more time to think up these gems before he actually had to utter them.

But still I can't help thinking how well some of these would have worked as tweets!

All credit to Winston Churchill for bringing a bit of honesty (...and humour) into the dry world of politics all those years ago...

• "The best argument against democracy is a 5 minute conversation with the average voter."

• "If you're going through hell, keep going!"

• "We can always count on the Americans to do the right thing - after they have exhausted all the other possibilities.

• "A lie can get halfway round the world before the truth even has a chance to get its pants on.

• "Men occasionally stumble over the truth - but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had ever happened."

• "A politician needs to be able to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And be able to explain afterwards why it didn't happen."

• "Success is stumbling from failure to failure - with no loss of enthusiasm."

• "Show me a young Conservative, and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains."

• "Courage may be what it takes to stand up and speak - but it is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

• "A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails - and then asks you not to kill him."

• "He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

• "Don't interrupt me when I'm interrupting!"

• "An appeaser is someone who feeds a crocodile, in the hope that it will eat him last.

• "The greatest lesson in life is to realise that even fools are right sometimes.

• "If you've got an important point to make, don't try to be clever or subtle. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then hit it again. Then hit it a third time - with a tremendous whack."

• "Some people's idea of free speech is that they should be free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage."

• "A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."

• "We are masters of our unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out."

• "In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a rather wholesome diet." 

And the last word...

• "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is entirely another matter."

Courtroom Gaffes

Who’d be a lawyer? Not me, if this is what you have to put up with! Here are some classic (supposedly genuine!) courtroom exchanges which really make you want to give up and get another job...

LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: A SuperDry tracksuit and Nike trainers.

LAWYER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I tend to just lie there really...

LAWYER: Can you tell me your date of birth please? 
WITNESS:  18^th of July.
LAWYER: What year is that? 
WITNESS: Every year?..

LAWYER: How old is your son, the one who’s living with you? 
WITNESS: He’s 35 or 36 - I can never remember which. 
LAWYER: OK - and how long has he lived with you? 
WITNESS: 46 years. 

LAWYER: So your baby was conceived on the 15^th of May?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Er, getting laid?...

LAWYER: Is your appearance here this afternoon pursuant to the deposition notice, which was sent to your lawyer?
WITNESS: No, this is how I always dress when I’m going to work.

LAWYER: ALL the responses you give me, MUST be oral. Is that OK? Now, what school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral?...

All those silly exchanges must rub off on the lawyers themselves though, if the following courtroom gaffes are to be believed...

LAWYER: Tell me the first thing your husband said to you that day.

WITNESS: He said: 'Susan, where am I?'
LAWYER: And why did that annoy you?
WITNESS: Because my name is Kate!

LAWYER: Doctor – is it true that if someone dies in their sleep, he doesn't realise it until next morning?
WITNESS: Are you actually qualified?

LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20 year old - how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 – probably about the same as your IQ.

LAWYER: Were you actually present when your photo was taken?
WITNESS: Are you having a laugh?

LAWYER: So she had three children? Is that correct?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many of them were girls?
WITNESS: None of them.
LAWYER: Were there any boys?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need to get a new lawyer!

LAWYER: How did your first marriage end?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: Whose death?
WITNESS: Take a wild guess?...

LAWYER: Pleased can you describe the person you saw?
WITNESS: Yes - he was around 6 feet tall, and he had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this person a male or a female?
WITNESS: Well, the circus wasn’t in town, so I'm guessing he was a male.

LAWYER: Does this illness affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?

LAWYER: So, Doctor - how many of your autopsies have been performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones tend to put up too much of a fight?...

LAWYER: Can you remember at what time you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy began at about 10.30am.
LAWYER: And was Mr. Denton dead at that time?
WITNESS: If not, he would have been by the time I finished.

LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a sample of urine?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And lastly:

LAWYER: Doctor, before you began the post mortem, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check the blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for any breathing?
WITNESS: No..
LAWYER: So, then it is conceivable that the patient was actually alive when you started the post mortem?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure?
WITNESS: Because his brain was on a shelf, in a jar.
LAWYER: Oh right. But could the patient have still been alive anyway?
WITNESS: Yes, I suppose it is possible that he could have been alive and well and practising law.

FREE Fun Festive Quiz of 2012

If you're looking for something to entertain your colleagues, family and friends over the Christmas break, why not download this fun, FREE Quiz of 2012?

http://www.iwritecopy4u.co.uk/christmas-quiz-2012

Strictly no 'Googling' or peeking at the answers until you've had a go!

Wishing you a very Merry Xmas from The Wonderful World of Words!

Oooh er, Missus! Did I really just say that?!

A bit of a cheeky post this time... if you like ‘double-entendres’, this one’s for you! But those of a prudish disposition should maybe look away now, as some of these are a bit near the knuckle... But they all come from genuine slip-ups aired live on British TV and radio. I hope you enjoy them and don’t cackle too loudly!

‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’ (Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator)

‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’ (Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator)

‘Ah, isn't that nice! The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’ (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race, 1977)

‘One of the reasons Arnold Palmer is playing so well, is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God! What have I just said? ’ (US PGA Commentator)

‘You'd eat beaver, if you could get it.’ (Carenza Lewis talking about food in the Middle Ages, on Time Team Live)

‘So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?’ (A female news anchor to the weatherman, the day after it was supposed to have snowed, and didn't)

‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’ (Steve Ryder, covering the US Masters)

‘There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.’ (Clair Frisby, talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North)

‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.’ (Mike Hallett, discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports)

‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself’ (Ken Brown, commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open)

Know any more gems like this? Don't keep them to yourself! Share them with us below...

Wonderful Worldwide English...

A bit of an international flavour for this post...

We've all seen them on our travels, and had a chuckle, haven't we? Signs, menus, notices... all written in English for our benefit, and all we can do is dissolve into hysterics?!

Well, here is a selection of some real gems...

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

In a Norwegian Cocktail Lounge:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

In a Doctor's Office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Dry Cleaners in Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS!

In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at in Kenya:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a Restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

In a Tokyo Hotel bedroom:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu in a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Yugoslavian Hotel:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In a Japanese Hotel:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

In a Black Forest Campsite:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

In a Zurich Hotel:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

In a Donkey Rides establishment in Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In a Danish Airline Ticket Office:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

In a Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

In a shop window in Abu Dhabi:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…
We know we shouldn't laugh - after all, we know what they mean, and they have taken the trouble to write the sign in English... but it's always nice to see how things can gain a lot in translation?!

The client is always right... or so they tell me!

Before I start this blog entry, I must emphasise that none of the below gems have come from any of my own current or past clients. They are all far too discerning! But they are all apparently genuine dialogues between copywriters and their clients, according to http://www.clientsfromhell.net/...


Client: I really don’t like what you’ve done with the copy I wrote.
Copywriter: All I did was just proof-read it and correct the spelling mistakes. 
Client: There was no need to be so bloody thorough! 

Client: Yes, send the copy to me. I probably won’t have time to read it and give you feedback, so if you don’t hear back from me, just think what I would say and rewrite it.

Client: Thanks for sending us your copy. We just had to make a few gramerical corrections.

Copywriter: Hi, I’m just updating the copy, and I was wondering if you really meant to say ‘programs’ in the third paragraph?
Client: NO. What I sent you was completely accurate. I wrote and edited it myself. Just copy it over exactly as it says. 
Copywriter: It says: ‘Please indicate which pogroms you’ve attended?’
Client: Oh yeah, sorry, that should be ‘programs’.

Client: I love the headline, but can’t you make it more….punchy somehow?
Copywriter: I don’t think it can really be any more punchy than ‘We Buy Gold’.
Client: I want more punch!
Copywriter: ‘Sell Your Gold Here’?
Client: No, I absolutely hate that. The last one was better. Just make it more punchy. I want it to jump off the page.
Copwriter: ‘We Buy Gold’
Client: There we go, that wasn’t so hard! But it’s still missing something... can you make it more glamorous? The last thing we want is people to think we’re low quality.
Copywriter: ‘We Buy Gold’
Client: Perfect!

Client: We’d like you to write an article on the way the market has changed in the last 10 years, and why… And in it, we want you to plug our company. Make us look really good. And no facts or stats, please. We don’t need any of those.

Client: What do you mean ‘payment’? You told me you were a freelancer?


Hmm - any of these sound familiar?

Getting festive, even with a very low IQ - with thanks to B&Q...

For some weird reason, I was feeling a bit festive this week, so I decided to invest in a Christmas tree from my local DIY store. Those helpful chaps at B&Q sold me a cute little 2ft high tree and I rushed home to get busy with the tinsel and baubles...

Imagine my surprise when I opened the instruction leaflet! After all, this mini fir was ready assembled, standing in its own base, and didn't even come in a box, so it was pretty obvious what I needed to do with it... and I think I would have noticed if I'd left the store without the single part (Ref. A on the below)?!

The decorating tips were a godsend though!

Thanks B&Q for giving me a festive chuckle while I was decking the halls of the Davison household this year!