Friday, 23 February 2018

Oops - silly spelling mistakes on everyday items

We've all seen plenty of spelling mistakes in print (and online), but these are altogether bigger and more serious!

They remind me of a canvas shopping bag I once bought for my Mum as a student in Germany - it proudly declared: "Germany - the fiendly country!"

I hope these raise a chuckle or two - they certainly did with me...

You'd think they should know better!
I wonder how many of
these caps they made...












At least they're being honest...












Hmm - never mind the wording
error in the description, these look
more like rubbers to me?!


















A very strange looking dog?!











How many pills??











Just 'oops' really...














No school prizes for
spelling obviously!















Sounds a bit slimy?!











And finally...


Now it's obvious why
they didn't win...

Friday, 16 February 2018

COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG we all use without knowing it...


“He knows his onions”
OK, so we all know some of the traditional Cockney rhyming slang – ‘I don’t Adam and Eve it!’ (believe), ‘Going up the Apples and Pears’ (stairs), etc.

But there are some Cockney rhyming slang expressions whose shortened versions have entered the English language as everyday words which we all use – and you might be a bit surprised by some of them…

“He knows his onions”
This is believed to originate from ‘He knows a lot of things’ – which got translated in Cockney rhyming slang to: ‘He knows a lot of onion rings’, and from there to ‘He knows his onions’. Weird?

“Have a butchers at this!”
This comes from the Cockney rhyming slang – ‘butchers hook’, meaning ‘look’.

“Use your loaf!”
In Cockney rhyming slang, ‘loaf of bread’ means ‘head’. So, ‘Use your head!’…

“I haven’t got a sausage”
Cockney rhyming slang for ‘cash’ is ‘Sausage and Mash’, so that’s where this expression came from – literally, ‘I haven’t got any money/anything’.

“It’s raining cats and dogs”
This one’s a bit tenuous, so bear with me! There are several different thoughts about how this came about, but the one I like best is referring to a time when it rained frogs… During a violent storm, frogs were apparently lifted up into the air by the wind, and literally rained down on passers-by. Thanks to the delights of Cockney rhyming slang, ‘frogs’ became ‘Cats and Dogs’.

“You silly berk!”
This one is slightly worrying. Frequently used as a fairly soft admonishment when someone does something stupid, it actually comes from much more offensive Cockney rhyming slang origins – ‘berk’ comes from ‘Berkshire Hunt’. Enough said?

“It’s a load of old cobblers!”
Again, this one has a slightly ruder origin than the expression suggests. It comes from the Cockney rhyming slang ‘Cobbler’s Awls’ – an awl being the tool used to put the lace holes in shoes. Now, what rhymes with ‘awls’?

“Quick, let’s scarper!”
Often used to suggest ‘doing a runner’, the Cockney rhyming slang origin is ‘Scapa Flow’ – so, it simply means ‘Let’s go’. In case you’re wondering, Scapa Flow is a body of water in the Orkney Isles - weirdly quite a long way from Bow Bells..

“I can’t come out tonight – I’m boracic”
Boracic lint was a 19th Century medical dressing used in the treatment of leg ulcers. It became the Cockney rhyming slang for ‘skint’ or ‘broke’.

“Stop rabbiting on!”
We all say this when someone can’t stop chatting, but where does the expression come from? Well, it’s simple – the Cockney rhyming slang for ‘talk’ is ‘Rabbit and Pork’, so now you know!

“I can’t afford to go out tonight – can you lend me some bread?”
OK, it’s clear that ‘bread’ is slang for money or cash. And maybe you’ve guessed it? Yes, it comes from the Cockney rhyming slang ‘Bread and Honey’.

“My Chalfonts are agony – I can’t sit down!”
OK, this is more than a bit obscure, and I admit I’ve never actually heard anyone say this even within the sound of Bow Bells – but it’s a polite Cockney slang way of referring to haemorrhoids (piles)! How so? Well, the full slang expression is ‘Chalfont St Giles’ – after an unassuming town in Buckinghamshire.

“Hello my old china!”
Again, slightly obscure, but I have heard this expression used. Why call someone ‘China’? Well, the full Cockney rhyming slang expression for a friend is ‘China Plate’ – so it just means ‘mate’.

“He only got a Desmond at university”
Taking the name of the South African Anglican cleric Desmond Tutu in vain, this is a Cockney rhyming slang way of describing a 2:2 degree… get it?

“Blowing a raspberry”
Bear with me on this one too… So, this expression we now use for a harmless noise made with the tongue actually comes from Cockney rhyming slang for another bodily function often involving noise. If I tell you that the full Cockney phrase is ‘Raspberry tart’, you should get the picture?

“Stop taking the mickey!”
Nobody knows who Mickey Bliss was, or if he even existed – but we have him to thank for this Cockney rhyming slang expression. Take a look at his surname, and I’m sure you can work out what this is slang for..?

“Don’t tell porkies!”
Probably quite an obvious one to finish with – ‘porkies’ is short for ‘Pork Pies’ – so, ‘Don’t tell lies’.

Is there any other Cockney rhyming slang you’d like to share? Simply leave a comment below and let us know…

Friday, 9 February 2018

From the church newsletter (Part 2)

© Biertiem | dreamstime.com

Following the great feedback we had from Part 1 of our church newsletter ramblings, here are some more gems to keep you chuckling in Part 2!

As always, we know what they were meaning to say, but it sort of came out wrong?!

We hope you enjoy these just as much...


  • Monday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice due to the Vicar’s illness.
  • African missionary Bertha Belch will be speaking tonight at the Church Hall. Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa!
  • The Vicar spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
  • The Vicar will preach his farewell sermon, after which the choir will sing the Hallelujah chorus.
  • Next Sunday, Mrs Bloggs will play the organ for the morning service. The Vicar will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
  • Jane remains in the hospital and is having trouble sleeping - she has asked for some recordings of the Vicar’s sermons.
  • During the absence of our Vicar, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when Rev. Stubbs took to the pulpit.
  • John Brown and Sarah Smith were married on October 24. So ends a friendship that began during their school days.
  • The Drama Club will be presenting Shakespeare’s 'Hamlet' in the Church Hall on Friday evening. Everyone is cordially invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Please put your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  • Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding – and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
  • Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding next Saturday.
  • The Low Self-Esteem Support Group meets every Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
  • During the Easter Service, two members of the choir sang a duet – ‘The Lord Knows Why’.
  • Any members of the congregation who enjoy sinning are cordially invited to join the choir.
  • The third verse of Hymn 364 will be sung without any musical accomplishment.
  • The music for today’s service was all composed by Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
  • Miss Sally Smith sang “I will not pass this way again” – giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • National Prayer and Fasting conference: Please note - the cost for this conference includes meals.
  • The Women’s Institute will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
  • Weight Watchers meets every Friday at 6pm. Please use the double doors at the side entrance.

Wednesday, 24 January 2018

When straplines go wrong...

© Christina Deridder | dreamstime.com
Here's a good argument for employing a copywriter - or at least getting someone to check what you've written - before committing £££s and booking that ad space.

Who knows if these are genuine or not - but they certainly made me cringe and chuckle at the same time!



  • Nina’s Photography – I specialise in shooting children and pets
  • At John’s Car Repairs, we guarantee fast service – no matter how long it takes!
  • Smith’s Dentists – we do our business in your mouth...
  • ABC Builders: We’ve upped our safety standards – up yours too!
  • Savvy Bank: Save regularly in our bank – you’ll never reget it!
  • Car Repair Service: Try us once, and you’ll never go anywhere again
  • Visit our new superstore: unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience
  • We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for only £20.00
  • Sofas for sale: Only £299. For rest or fore play
  • Al’s Diner Special Offer: Turkey £8; Chicken or Beef £9.00; Children £2.50
  • Have your ears pierced here – and get an extra pair to take home too
  • Bill’s Laundry: We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand
  • Betty’s Cleaning Service: Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
  • Fab Fashions: Our bikinis are exciting – they are simply the tops!
  • Problem with aunts? – Zappo Spray gets rid of them in just 24 hours
  • Our stockings are so comfortable that lots of women wear nothing else
  • Fred’s Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
  • Christmas Market: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Joan's wonderful words

OK – this is a bit of a personal indulgence, but I couldn’t resist sharing these brilliantly funny one-liners from the late, great Joan Rivers.

She clearly lived by the maxim of “Never be afraid to laugh at yourself – you could be missing out on the joke of the century!”

ON EXERCISE

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“I don’t exercise – if God wanted me to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”

ON PLASTIC SURGERY AND LOOKS

“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“With plastic surgery, the general anaesthetic is like a black velvety sleep, and that's what death is like – but without waking up to someone clapping and shouting, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'”.

"I was so ugly they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not – and he sent it back saying, 'I don't believe it!'"

“I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”

ON CHILDHOOD

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

ON MEN & WOMEN

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

ON CHILDREN

“My midwife was so dumb that when I gave birth, she forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a lead.”

“My daughter and I are very close. I call her every single day, and I say the same thing – ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.’ And she says the same thing back – ‘How did you get my new number?’”

ON OTHER CELEBRITIES

“Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.”

“Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.”

ON THE MILITARY

“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.”

ON EDUCATION

“I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.”

ON COOKING

"I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge."

ON DEATH

“I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.”

“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

Weird signs...

© Martijn Pierik | dreamstime.com
We see them all over the place - signs that are meant to inform and instruct... But often, the message can be quite confusing - or just downright funny!

Here are some absolute classics for your amusement and entertainment...

In a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

In a laundrette:
These washing machines are automatic. WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT, Please remove all your clothes

In a department store:
Visit our bargain basement on the 3rd floor

In an office:
Will the person who took the step ladder yesterday please return it – or further steps will be taken

In the staff room:
After tea break, please wash the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

And in another office:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below

Outside a farm:
Horse manure – £1 per pre-packed bag or do-it-yourself for 50p

On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven – enter all ye through this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use the side door)

In a German café:
Mothers – please wash your hans before eating

In a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything – bicycles, white goods, electronics, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

On a new town hall, due to be opened by the Duchess of Windsor:
The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will be remain closed after being opened. Open again as normal tomorrow

At the side of a country road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 years

On entering a village:
Slow children and animals

Outside a nightclub:
Shades is the most exclusive club in town. Everyone welcome!

In a dry cleaners window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of

In a petrol station:
No smoking near the petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much, but our petrol is

In a health food shop:
Closed today due to illness

In a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

On a leaflet:
If you can’t read, this leaflet will tell you how to learn

In a repair shop:
We repair anything
(Please knock on the door – the bell is out of order)

On a farm gate:

Beware! I shoot every 10th trespasser, and the 9th one has just left

Thursday, 31 August 2017

Small classified ads…

© Lars Christnsen | dreamstime.com
The 'small ads' are a disappearing feature in many of our local papers, which is a real shame - especially as they often include hilarious howlers like the ones shown below...

Pets for Sale
  • Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children
  • 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings, call 555-1234. Leave mess
  • Three canaries of undermined sex
  • Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy
  • Great Dames for sale
Situations Vacant
  • Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
  • Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night
  • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel
  • Housekeeper required for rectory. Love in, £500 a month. References required
  • Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential
  • Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
  • 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred
Items for Sale
  • Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
  • Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers
  • Four-poster bed, 100 years old. Perfect for antique lover
  • Several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition
Situations Wanted
  • Man, honest. Will take anything
  • Experienced Mum will take care of your child. Meals and smacks included
Lost & Found
  • Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family
Have you seen any small ads that have made you smile - or even laugh out loud? Please feel free to share them in the comments section below...